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goin off!

alright today is the day im goin thailand. flight at 745. gonna go soon. heh. be back on thurs!! tts pretty soon k. hee.

tatas

zzz...

finally i've done the invitation, banner n may's sis's name card. mind u, all for free! nt fair. church stuffs i wun mind bt nt for the only 1 named tts nt for church. damn sian. anyway finally im free frm tinkin of ideas. really tired of it.

i've been slpin without aircon for so long! damn hot cannot take it soon. too used to aircon. moreover, my hse is damn stuffy without aircon. nt really my problem k.

wadeva. stp complainin! im goin to slp. bye.

furry furry..

hahas. i juz bought the style mag today. gt a free furry bag. i gt the brown 1. damn cute. u'll nv noe its free. haha. aniwa, tmr is our 7th month anniversary le!! cool!! so fast. bt den i duno can go out or nt yet. lets hope so. hehe. im gettin my break from playin this week. really tired of playin everytime already. hee. so i asked for a break since im goin bangkok on sun too. den sat can go out with baby. ;p

i duno y. nwadays i juz hav the tot of gettin married soon. really weird. mayb i think i really found the ONE! hee. i DID!! wahaha..the tot of being with him every time juz comforts me. makes me really happy.

yday had a fun time chattin with my auntie thru email. shes really funny. askin me wad years all of us are born in. marv, karen, the two other guys, josh boy n me. i ask her "y". she tot i say "you". haha. she ask me pray for a life parther for her. haha. yes my precious fenyi i wil. haha. aniwa she ask abt the years coz her frens ask how old we are she say abt this n abt that. nt sure abt it. haha. embrassin as it is. so she ask me. haha.

im back

the cheerful little gal is finally back after so many days!! arent u glad? haha. yes u guessed it. my baby's back. after two days of torture. of cryin, eyes swollen days. hes back!! i duno wad he buy for me. he ber wan to tel me. hee. tmr i can see him le. he come my hse. heh.

hopefully can go out after tt. heh. i dun really wanna tok abt how i pass this two days. all i can say is theres alot of tears shed. lonely feelin, jealousy. heh. bt its all over. finally i can see him.

im goin to bed soon. juz waitin for my baby to turn in. =) tatas.

for the better or not?

things hav alittle change. hes comin back on sun instead of mon. mayb it helps a little mayb it dun. mayb im juz tryin to comfort myself tt it does. no matter wad in the end. stil im alone this weekend. n tts a fact so yups. im hopin ppl wun start askin me where he is tmr or sun. he nt comin ah. those things. i dun wish to hear. coz i'll start cryin for sure. may said she acc me on sun. im stil nt sure if i wan it. in a way, i do feel like bein alone. i noe i'll be in a very bad mood. n i dun wish to make ppl bad mood too. by seein my face.

oh wells. today we manage to go out together. im realy happy. actually durin lunch when he told me abt his passport n he may nt be able to go. im abit happy to hear tt. im sorry for being selfish. so we went to shop for awhile. den went plaza sing to watch a show. bride n prejudice. a funny show. tt cheer me up more. but sad to say after tt he msged his mum to ask abt the passport, he is stil able to go. n yea. u noe wad came. i kept quiet after tt. feelin upset bt stpin myself to cry. coz i hate cryin in public. bt den we went kenny rogers for dinner n i couldnt control my tears anymore. ppl were lookin at me. i felt very embrassed bt i cant control myself. after tt, i controlled my tears again. we walked to esplanade. i was really quiet n refuse to tok. i din even looked at him. i was really upset. tt no matter wad he do. he stil hav to go. i forced myself to try n tok abit. as i din wan this nite to end like tt. so i did. manage to cheer myself up a little. bt ended up cryin again when we were sittin there n tokin. he kinda mention it.

well, i came hme obviously feelin worse den ever. of coz i when toilet n cried badly. i duno wads goin to come the next two days. how bad my day wil be. i juz hope for the better.

aniwa im pretty surprised today. donald actually came n msg me on msn. n we tok quite abit. hmm. so yea. tts all. tatas..

oh oh. n did i mention i was approached three times by this bunch of ppl lookin for model for new face? haa. cool huh. bt den when they called me i was in the cinema. so din get a chance to tok to them. they din cal back. oh wells. nvm.

forced

seems like i hav no choice rite. nothin can change the fact tt he is goin to malacca no matter wad. wadeva. im tired of tryin all ways to make myself feel better. so might as well juz accept it. if i wun feel any better in any way den fine. juz be it. im juz goin to be wad i am now. miserable! if im goin to cry every nite den fine. juz be it. nothing is goin to change anyway. he hav no choice bt to go den nvm lor. its juz cryin to slp wad. take it as my own lulluby. wake up den fine. face it. alone den alone lor. shop myself. go hme myself. wanna cry cry la! i heck.

save the water

washin my pillow with tears is wad i've been doin the past few nights. til now i stil dun wish that he go. worse now, when my unreasonable mum refuse to let me go out to even see him on fri before he leaves on sat morn. ya 3 days. short? fine. bt its nt for me. i'll probably be washin my pillow with tears every night or even day. no one understands y im feelin this way. everyone wil say tt im stupid. its juz 3 days. i cant hav him with me all the time. who can understand me?

the frustration livin in this family. the unhappiness of comin hme. the hatred in me. tt lives forever. the memories that lies deep inside. memories tt i dun even wish it is stil with me. how i wish sth happen to me one day. n i can erase everything frm my mind. no one understands y i hate my parents so much. tt i cant wait to leave them. sumtimes i duno y i hav a bro. to keep me to this family? for his sake? if nt mayb long ago i would hav left. i believe i can survive myself. i dun nid their money. i can afford to earn it myself. bt y am i stil here? i really duno y.

...lifeless

i duno y things juz dun seems to be well. family, even bf. feel like my life's all screw up. feel like a total loser in relationship. frens. none. or at least feels like none. im feelin juz like thw weather nowadays. sucky. hate things tt happens to me. all the unhappy things. i stil duno y im born in this kinda family. i really dun. do i deserve such parents?

parents tt treat me like dirt. treat like im nt theirs. like im feelingless. tt everything they do is right. tt they hav authority as parents n we gt no say.

bf? things arent goin right. y we quarrel so often? is it me or him? or mayb both. i duno. yes. sumtimes i really wanna break up. coz im tired. i feel tired. bt i love him too much to bear leavin him. bt i really feel tired of goin thru all this. y cant a couple juz be happy all the time? mayb im afraid. mayb i wan ppl to giv in to me all the time. coz im tired of givin in. scared of givin in too much. bt i noe it takes both hands to clap. nt 1.

i really duno wad to do. i dun wanna go thailand. im regrettin. i dun wan him go malacca. bt i gt no say in tt. hes goin. i cant say no. coz i am too. n longer. i dun wish to bring tt up again. coz i noe i'll be upset all over again. if i say i gt nothing to do without him around. i feel sian. i noe hes goin to say me back. tt im goin longer n hes worse. so im keepin quiet abt it. i dun wanna tok abt it anymore. i dun wanna tok abt anything anymore.

sumtimes i hope i dun exist. i duno y im born. to suffer all this? to suffer in this family? is tt wad im born for? ppl who hav nice parents, gd for u. n stp complainin. coz theres worse. u wun noe wad it feels like.

in need of ice..

im stil tryin to cool down after yday. stil nt feelin very much better. now i dun really wanna see my mum. though tok abit to her on the fone today. juz tt she called to tel me things. so yup. i juz reached hme nt very long ago. which im glad i din come hme too early. coz i really dun wish to see her today. i stil need time to cool down. din slp well last nite. was really too pissed off. today was really tired in church. slpt throughout the whole sermon. though i quite like the speaker today bt i cant help it. being the naughty gal today, i din go for worship ministry meetin. coz i din felt like goin. went to for a show with cal. watched wad i wanted to watch so much. the princess diaries 2. was pretty gd. bt like wad marv says its the usual story line for such movies. bt i stil like it very much. enjoyed myself. =)

after that i went to orchard with cal to meet karen n marv. had a drink at one of the cafes in wisma. services sucks, n drink too sweet. bt nvm. cal left to go hme do work after tt. n the rest of us went to holland v for dinner. had thai express. dinner was gd. coz im pretty hungry. we tok abt many things. frm guys to family. n many more. which i wun mention. den we went to tcc to hav a drink n continue tokin. hehe. told them abt wad happen last nite. mayb tts y i gt a little pissed again.

i went over to karen's place to wait for her to fetch me back since she headin hme first to get sum clothes n take the car. she gave me quite a no of clothes. hee. cool. love to hav new clothes. hee. though they arent really so called new. but at least its sth else tt adds on to my wardrobe. hehe. im goin to slp early tonite. kinda tired. nid rest. dun wish to tink of things. many things in my mind.

or btw, i juz took up a job today. a job as in a "job" tt i wun get paid. haha. gonna do a banner n an invitation for the church adults to ask them to come our talent nite in the camp. hee. i dun mind doin it coz i stay hme most of the time. at least i wun be so bored. since parents dun allow me go out much. wadeva. dun wish to mention anything else. oh wells, tatas!!

parents of unbelievable beliefs!

im f***in pissed off here. wad the hell. do parents really think they are so damn great? they hav the power over the whole family? say "go to hell" to that thinkin. i hate my mum to the core!. she fuckin loves to nag, scold, thinks im her fuckin maid, orderin ard. so she thinks she queen. she can do wadeva or say wadeva she thinks. she forever thinks shes right. juz like my dad says. a born selfish woman, big bossy woman too.

so wad i lost the cupboard key. fuck im juz keepin it sayin its lost. gt a problem with tt? since she duno wads privacy den i do it my way!! she loves readin ppl's msgs. excuses of sayin she wanna be sure we dun do wrong things. my fuckin ass ah. shes juz bein nosey as usual. she says we mushy. love you forever blah blah! who the hell tel her to read? did i? so wad? muz she check everything i do! does she fuckin wanna check if i wash myself clean enough??

tells my dad this speaker is very gd muz go. that lady very gd muz go pray. oh ya. wad an actress of the universe! guess wad she juz told her own daughter!?? "NO MONEY! DUN GO YOUTH CAMP!!" wow. wad a nice thing to say huh. nicest among all she ever says man! a big fat ugly actress. mayb she haven dig her ears for too long. or mayb she has short short short term memory. or mayb she juz tryin to put words into my mouth! since when i ever say im nt goin camp? all i said was if comin back on 1st dec frm thailand den i go camp on the 2nd. when bookin tickets to thailand wad i told her was i wil tell lynn i can play for the sun i nt in. she says i say if go thailand i wun go camp. she says i said i wil tell lynn nt to put me to play! wad the hell is that!? n she insist she right abt wad she say that I SAID! so can anyone tel me wad wrong with her?

goin out only once a week with cal is that too much to ask? all i said is i goin out with him on this comin fri. coz he leavin to malaysia on the weekend! is the TOO MUCH?????? she said SO? wah so! SO HER BIG FAT UGLY BRAINS IS DISFUNCTIONIN!! i dare her say she go out only once a week with my dad last time. so wads her problem? when is she goin to hav enough of tying me up! if shes nt I AM VERY SICK OF IT!! ppl my age goes out til late at nite. they hav a life. do i? no. i almost duno anything in the outside world. coz im always hme!!

im sorry for my language. dun mind me. im really very pissed off now. that i juz feel like slappin her. im tired. bye.

my blog's makeover

aint it look great? i juz love it. so beautiful. retro!! hee. all thanks to my precious 1 who help me do all this. im juz bein the ma fan gal sayin change this change tt. hee. thank you baby. =)

im juz like the weather

i totally duno wad to do. feel lost. feel retarded. feel lonely. im juz nt me anymore.

yday is a freakin bad bad day. i totally hate it!! nt enjoyin myself at all. went out with mum, bro n mum's fren. tt stupid naughty boy of mine juz pisses me off. he is juz plain naughty to the core. runnin ard. so izzit my freakin fault tt i beat him real hard? so am i suppose to let him juz snatch my glasses? juz coz hes the youngest? y is everyone freakin pamperin him? i dun rem havin such a gd life when im young. all i rem is tt i gt beaten like i aint human. i get scolded for nothin all the time. scolded coz of bro. i feel like im livin here to let them scold for everything.

dar dar is leavin for malaysia next weekend. im ultimate sian. coz weekend! its the time i spend time with him! bt i cant. i totally duno wad to do. follow YAs, parents or go out alone? i hate all. bt i hav no choice bt to choose. i noe dar wil feel worse when i go off to thailand for 9 days. bt den. i feel tt its different. coz he hav ppl tt he can stil go out with. at least the options are better den mine. i duno. mayb its stil nt gd. i wil miss him when im there too rite? im pretty sure i wun be enjoyin myself there either. with mum? bro? y is my responsibility always so big? I HATE BEIN THE ELDEST!!! HATE IT!!

im tired of thinkin of everything tt juz wun seems to turn out well. i'll stp here.