each day i stare into the mirror preparing a smile for the day ahead. each night i stare into the mirror to see sorrows in my eyes. life's all abt a facade. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ call me crazy...but im thinkin of goin out after dad's aslp again. i wanna get out. i cant slp. i need the fresh air n the cold wind. i rather slp outside now. fall aslp at the playground...lookin up into the sky. wishing sumone comes up behind me n cuddle me tight. wishful thinkin. sumthings will juz nv happen ever again.
i cry out to god in my heart each night...wishing i could see him. i wish god is sumone u can see n tok ur heart out to. yes u can tok to him but if only god can answer. if only god is human. i wish tears can flow. but tears r dry. i cant cry anymore. i feel so terrible inside. i try my best to forget but i cant. if only things din turn out to wad it was. mayb i am happier that way. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ gonna go church tmr. waking up early...seems to be a chore to me now. anyway, im goin ballet under the stars tmr night. i noe its goin to be a fantastic night. beautiful dances, beautiful night. i received a white lily today! its my fav flower...thank u for that lil surprise n the cakes. =) my lily is dyin already but i stil love it so much. white lily is the most beautiful. so pure..so lovely. this is a death of an angel...
Have I Told You Lalety that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
For the morning sun in all it's glory, Meets the day with hope and comfort too, You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's waht you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
im stil pretty much stuck with my FYP...need to think of a storyline. which i think abt how to start the story even when im walking in the streets. hmmm...okies..tts nt gd coz i tend to think n nv see where im goin. haha. fyp's deadline is 22nd aug. report is oso due then. so i really should get moving...once storyline is out n pics i wan taken, its fast n smooth to go...heh...BUCK UP MILDRED! JIA YOU!
my bday celebrations seems nv ending...hahaha...tmr its another one. i juz celebrated for helen today. heh. i realise i have been home late almost everyday. actually its everyday. ever since 13th jul..hmm.. anyway, i wanna cut my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but im hoping to get comments frm ppl so i'll post up the pic of the hairstyle i wanna cut n ppl, VOTE okies? to keep my current hairstyle or CUT short...hehe... this is the hairstyle i wan! cool right? but yeah...vote between short or long... =)
been seeing sad things happening to my frens. yet i can do nth to help coz i myself need to let my open wound heal. well all i can do is try n cheer them up n be there for them.
tonight i realise i was the sacrifice made. interesting how love can become a sacrifice to work. i realised how lil i am. perhaps im even smaller than all the tiny ants in his life. so does god fails, or man fails? i guess i was a huge burden that breaking up seems to be his freedom. very interesting indeed. im fearful to love again. how true is one's love for me? i doubt i mean a thing.
hello air. im back n alive n kicking n feeling high...how hav u been? my bday has juz passed. my day was a boring one. so skip skip. i went to the GEN12ii thanksgiving in the evening. it was delayed due to sth that happened on the NEL. the worship started with great music, everything was goin well THEN... *pop! silence..but the worship goes on. with juz a guitar n all musicians became back up singers. it was a fantastic worship i wld say. god was there! everyone juz sing pure praises to him. frm that, i learn that a worship unto him is nt abt the perfection of the music, its the heart that matters most.
after that, went supper with the TURT gang at this indian restaurant...made full use of my cupcakes to celebrate me, manson n haiks bday. haa...was fun. the food was yummy too. esp since i was freaking HUNGRY! haha...n i think im falling sick! oopss. so air, i am so happy today...im a happy gal for tonight. u made my night a special one. for that tiny moment, i wish time stood stil. but none the less, i am happy. im easily satisfied. im stil waiting...waiting for a memorable bday sumone promised. hahaha...that sumone noes who that sumone is. lalalaa...
im high...n i cant help it...tmr's another whole day of pure nuaness and celebrations again! signing off, lil withered sunflower -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- juz saw sth i wished i din see. now im down. no longer high. i guess its gone. each day i see my hopes shattered deeper. u took my smile away. each day i frown at the shattered hopes but put on a front. i hide under my blankets in hope of finding the warmth i once had. i guess i mean nth but juz a passerby in ur life. im worthless compared to the best fren u love always.
where is god when it hurts so bad...if only time stood stil.
i've nv felt so helpless, so tired, so useless...is fyp really makin us nuts? im tryin my best to squeeze my dried brains for creative juices. im tryin to get sth done to show tmr...but theres really NOTHING. nothing is coming out. nothing at all...i wanna do sth. i wanna go for crit tmr..but only if i gt things to show...n nt sum crap. but theres nth. nth at all! god, i tried. i tried so hard. i think i think so hard. y is there no ideas? im suffering frm a terrible headache now...yet i stil gt nth out. i wanna cry.
i've nv felt so terrible on my bday. first, i gt scolded by sumone. though i dun blame her for being angry but i really duno wad else to say but sorry. second, im stressed up abt FYP. due to nothing done at all. countless ppl stressing me out too...im thankful for them but im suffering frm it. third, this is the FIRST bday i totally gt no one to celebrate with. no one at all. everyone's busy. n the one i wished the most to celebrate with me most slightly wldnt celebrate with me nt even a belated one. so yeah.
MY aim WAS to finish my FYP by end of july! its already END OF JULY! n i gt nth done at all. this is juz fantastic. DO NOT...n i say again! DO NOT even think for a second im nt doin my work! coz everyday i THINK yet i really gt nth out. i really duno how my book is gonna flow. n juz that FEW ideas of photos...they r NT enough! i need MORE MORE MORE!
GOD, WAD DO U WAN FRM ME? WAD DO U WAN FRM THIS TINY LIL ME? Y MUZ U CRASH ME SO BAD AT THIS TIME? Y MUZ U CRASH ME AT THIS CRUCIAL TIME EVERY SEM!? EVERYTIME WHEN MY DEADLINE IS SO NEAR, U MUZ CRUSH MY HEART. THOUGH I TRY NT TO LET IT AFFECT ME FRM MY WORK BUT I CANT DENY THAT IT DID AFFECT ME BADLY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME! N YES! IM STIL SUFFERING FRM IT! GOD PLS HELP THIS HELPLESS ME FOR I CANT HOLD ON MUCH LONGER.
to end my sad entry..i shall juz thank those that nv fails to be there. nette: thanks for the beautiful lil surprise...those beautiful n cute cupcakes. thanks oso for always being there for me n those encouragements u gave. dawn: hey artsy, we shall survive! but i guess its easier for u in a way. sigh. thanks oso for makin the cupcakes! elaine: i cannot thank u more than anyone else! u helped me thru my toughest periods. u were there to guide me thru. thank u so much! n oso thanks for letting me stay over everytime i think abt running away. sec sch gang: thanks for the beautiful lies that lead to a nice surprise though im sorry for wad happened. n to the rest i nv mention: thanks for the wishes.
im bored. im bored. im bored. alone at elaine's now while they went out for dinner at ikea with their frens. sigh. im so bored. tv has nth better to watch. no one's online. my birthday's coming...i rem sumone said he'll make it a memorable one for me. i wonder wld he stil do so? i dun care if its early or belated. sigh. wad a wonderful bday present.
i feel like giving up on my fyp. mon's my crit..yet i did nth. yes...im screwed! totally screwed up. i hav yet to take the pics i need. i hav yet to have a layout. yeah juz screwed. kill me pls. im lost really LOST.
i realise sumtimes guys say things juz for the sake of doin so. wld they do wad they said? wld they? i've lost my trust. sumtimes i wonder n get real suspicious if wad they say is the truth. when one say he juz saw the msg after u send two msgs.. is it real that he really JUZ saw? or is it he ignore the first n until u send the second so he said he juz saw? sigh. yeah..paranoid i am.
tot in my mind now...am i stil ur baby, ur dumb dumb n ur sunflower? YOURS... nt anyone's. i wish i get the answers. yet i noe im asking the air.
hello air, wads ur name? do u stil love me? wads my place in ur heart? where do i place among ur frens? is it the special one? or am i the last, the one u dun give a damn abt? you gave sumone else the sweetness. where mine? i feel the chill. am i nothing now? air, im tokin to u. will u answer me? i love u air. i love u.
my lil letter to air.
tmr's off to sentosa with my gang. lets hope i dun do anything stupid again. mayb i wanna drink...drink n drink. ok im nt goin to play tmr. though im suppose to. i dun think im in the right mind to play. nette, im sorry! i duno wad else to type...im lost of words finally. till later when i wanna rant again...i'll be back.
woke up to a bad morning...with tears in my eyes i tried to slp. i couldnt. i was suffering...i prayed, i listened to christian songs.. it aint helping...i called for help...no one responded..NO ONE. i suffered alone...cryin out to god...but to no avail. struggled in bed for a whole two hrs...gt up n stil struggling. took me five hrs to calm down...very nice indeed.
a bad morning lead to a bad n down day...went to shawn's hse. finished a chapter of the book...dun really noe wad im reading.. i started to feel tired n i slpt. woke up n left to meet the gang at cwp. took a LOOONNNGGG time before deciding where to go for dinner. ended up at swensens. left at abt 9plus...ping drove so we went to seletar dam n juz chill...did sth stupid there... dun think i'll say wad. i hate myself.
in conclusion, i had a bad day. but meetin up with them was nice. im sorry i was so moody. i wish i wasnt. i wish i could forget. i wish i could be like him...so carefree...so happy...like its nt affecting him at all. am i so lil that i mean so lil? am i so lil that he could catch n let go so easily? who am i in ur heart dan? who am i?
a sunflower cant live without her sunshine n she withered. her beautiful yellow turned brown. she looks ugly. no longer that beautiful, bright n lovely sunflower she was.
i drew the above today...its my tiny tots. its juz a freaking sketch... pardon the mistakes. sigh...at least i look cute hahahaha... =p
spend the whole day alone...juz sketching n letting my tots run. so i wrote a lil poem too...heee...here goes........ its titled, This is a Silent Scream.
i said i'll let go yet my heart truly cant. i scream out a silent scream where no one can hear me. im suffering inside yet all i can do is bear. i seek GOD's presence. i know he's there. yet this hurt just won't go.
i quietly sat outside, without a hope inside. yet i truly wish you came. i miss the warm arms, the warm kisses & wishes you gave. i know you're gone when this silence became a nightmare.
i quietly hope, i quietly hope i quietly hope you're always mine.
this is bad. im feeling disgusted by the sight of any food now. disgusted at the fact that when the food gets into my mouth i gonna chew them. argh...even my fav food is gross to me.sigh. ppl ask me to drink milk or milo..but they r oso gross to me... sumhow the milk is...eeeks...sight of it is disgusting. yet im forced to eat by my parents. n after forcin food downmy throat i juz wanna puke everything out. today i was force to eat my late late lunch...ate a tiny bit of rice with soup...juz one mouth n i wanted to puke already...yet i forced everything down...end up goin toilet to puke...nice. dinner...dad left more rice n soup for me...but i din noe.. so whenmum called n ask me if i wan food...though i say no..i gt scolded n since she say at least bread..i told her buy waffle with peanut butter. so i had to eat that n oso drink soup...shhh! i pour the rice away!sigh...yes so this is my pathetic appetite.
as for my love life? yes it has ended. i stil love him tts for sure. but i guess great frens we shall be for now. yea dumb dumb? if the time is right n god allows, the next time if we're together we betterthink carefully n nt let history repeat itself. the time is definitely nt now.i'll be patient n wait n get on with my life being single but nt available. everyone muz be thinkin y the hell am i so happy. honestly, im nt.im suffering inside me..but i choose to bury the feelings i hav so deep for him deep deep inside. i dun wish to cry anymore. no i dun. i dun wannabe fearful of everything ard me again. i noe if i cry i will feel that way. n it really sucks. i feel like cryin yet i can only shove that tot down.i understand now wad he is thinkin...yet i wonder does he stil loves me in any way deep down under? im nt hoping we get back together now...no no im not...but i guess i juz wish to noe if in any way he stil loves me. all i wish now is juz be real close frens with u. nth more. pls dun ever ignore me.
for now, i'll juz get my walk back on track with god. n leave the rest to god. theres nth i can do anymore.
last but nt least, i juz wanna say this... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY BABY DUMB DUMB DANIEL! MY WONDERFUL SUNSHINE. you'll always be in my heart n mind. wherever u are, whatever u go thru...my heart is with u. for no one can replace the place u filled in my heart. you're mygreat bf. you're my sunshine that nv failed to make me smile. you're perfect in my eyes no matter how much u dun think u r. oki...tts it. my last time sayin this till duno when... i really love u, dan my man. (i teared as i wrote this to u. for u duno how much u mean to me) the last pic we took together as a couple.
juz how much do i mean to ur heart? to u? that u can give up like that. i choose to accept things n work on things. yet u choose to give up on us.
how many times hav we toked abt this? how many times hav i said i'll accept things as long as u love me n stay with me. yet despite how much i said this is all u ever think abt. to end it.
u said u're nt leaving me. BULLSHIT! by nt being my bf u already left me.
i wish i could say i'll make u regret wad u did. yet i feel so irresponsible to kill myself. all i could do was inflict pain to myself. i wish i could go out now n due to my mindless soul, i get knock down by a car. i hope i nv wake up, like NEVER. you torn my heart so bad i've lost myself. the wounds on me can nv hurt more than my heart's wound.
u noe all this will happen. i've told u many times. yet this is wad u wan to happen. juz how much do u care abt wad i think. now i feel like wadeva u said is juz a bunch of lies.
been feeling rather down lately...felt like i duno where im heading.. felt like im lost. felt like i duno who to lean on anymore... felt like im a lonely soul wandering in the streets everyday... felt like im in my own world of imaginations.
sumtimes i wanna hide in a cave n nv get out...i wanna run away frm everything. i hate tokin abt things. i hate to hear u say things i dun wish to hear. i hate knowing u may leave me anytime. im no longer feeling secured. sumtimes i cry in bed, wishing i hav sumone to tok to..but i figured theres none.
who is this god ppl claim to be best fren? who is he who claim to be the almighty? i see no works of his. i see no miracles he did. i see no one to hold on to. did my prayer nt work...or did my prayer make no sense to him? did my cries mean nth but stupid cries to him?
who is there to celebrate my bday with me? is it that sumone special or am i spending it alone? i dun even noe. i wish i knew. memories flood back to my stupid brains. wishing things were different. but they juz arent anymore. regret? wad is regret? do i regret? i hav no answers to any questions i giv myself. i hav no answers to wad my brain thinks anymore.
I WISH I NEVER WAKE UP ONE DAY. I WANNA DREAM OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS I CAN NEVER GET IN THE REAL WORLD. THE PERFECT WORLD LIES IN THE MIND OF MINE. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDWIN McCAIN "Promise Of You"
Promise of you It sleeps in the air The air that I breathe And I know that it's true Don't have to convince myself to believe What secrets sleep in the heart of a man So much love wasted Slip right through my hands See it in the eyes of the lonely As they make their weary way Shimmer in the eyes of longing I hear it say Promise of you It sleeps in the air The air that I breathe And I know that it's true Don't have to convince myself to believe To believe...
What secrets sleep in the heart of the night Dreams of salvation Slipping out of sight In the shimmering moments of twilight Closing up the shine Whisper on the wind of a rescue Savior in time Promise of you It sleeps in the air The air that I breathe And I know that it's true Don't have to convince myself to believe All this time I've been fighting my own private war All this time You were the peace I was looking for
yay! i went sentosa again...im turning charcoal! yay! i duno y im so excited of being dark. haa. like a happy kid. always wanted to hav a nice healthy looking tan! i guess i got it.. but i wanna be darker! sentosa again soon with chelle i hope. anyway, i realise i haven been blogging much describing my day. so here goes...since im in the mood to do so.
woke up early in the morning at abt 9 i think. forced myself up to bathe n get ready. made bread for dan n myself. then head out... msg dan telling him im out but apparently he din get it so when i called him at bt gombak he was stil at home. suppose to meet at clementi platform...so end up waited for him at clementi macs, thinkin of eating breakfast...BUT...breakfast ended. so yeah we left for harbourfront. the queue was terrible! kinda spoilt our mood a little. but nth much can really spoil our lil time together. went to our usual spot, bora bora bar. i lie there to chill n tan...while darling juz lie n i duno wad he was doin coz i fell aslp! hahahaa...after nuaing for few hrs we went into the water to soak n check out babes, 'babes' n kids...haa...when he went to swim, i got back to my tanning. heee. we went for our lil stroll n phototaking when he came back frm his swim. as usual lotsa pics! heee...will upload once i get them frm him. we spent our WHOLE day at sentosa...left only at 6 plus to bathe... the ladies toilet's bathing area was FLOODED! my whole feet was in the water full of soap! haa. gross! i took a super fast shower n gt out. headed to harbourfront for our dinner at pasta mania coz i wanted to eat that. MAY! u gt me addicted to the garlic bread la! everyone muz try this when u hav garlic bread frm pasta mania: get olive oil frm them n put cheese into the oil..dip the garlic bread into the oil with cheese! its delicious n simply addictive. haa... after dinner i had to cab back already. was too damn late. got a scolding frm mum when i gt home while i juz one ear in one ear out! duno y i manage to do that today..usually i get affected by wadeva she says. hmmm...anyway, came home n i went to do housework immediately. my hands r so so dry now! painful too...nt mentioning oso that i've gt an injured ankle...thats really painful at times. it juz got worst juz now when i was doin housework. smart gal. *smacks forehead* thats my day for u. seriously long day. im tired n i should slp now. been feeling tired early nowadays...is age catching up with me? hahahahhahaha
photo album: lovely sun, sea n sand photo album: back in sch with may may ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JESSE MCCARTNEY LYRICS
"The Stupid Things"
Just charge it to my account I hope I haven't gone over my limit With interest rates so swift No need to scream and shout No doubt if women are from Venus now I'll get to them somehow
All I want to do is please you Please myself by living my life too
[Chorus] And all the stupid things I do Have absolutely no reflection on How I feel about you How I feel ohhh All the stupid things I do have absolutely no reflection on How I feel about you How I feel about you, yeah
Yes I recall Skipping on breakfast to play basketball And feeling two feet small Sometimes you read like William Shakes Your scent is sweet like Betty Crocker bakes I'd love to have my cake and eat it too
All I want to do is please you Please myself by living my life too
[Chorus] And all the stupid things I do Have absolutely no reflection on How I feel about you How I feel ohhh All the stupid things I do have absolutely no reflection on How I feel about you How I feel about you, yeahhhh no no no no no nooo
[Vocalizes]
All I want to do is please you Please myself by living my life too
[Chorus] And all the stupid things I do Have absolutely no reflection on How I feel about you How I feel ohhh Oh how I feel about you How I feel about you yeah Ohh Oooo Yeahhh Noo ooo La La La La Laaa
